The Best Dad Jokes: A Little Embarrassment Is Good For You
Nobody is too cool for dad jokes. A lot of the world’s problems could be solved if we could all just agree on that one thing. Imagine a world full of self-confident people - all unafraid to admit their love for a good pun. It’s time we all came together and agreed that funny is funny. One of the best gifts we can give our children is a role model who is unafraid of being himself. And what better way for a dad to do that than embracing his embarrassing dad side. Get ready to groan, everyone, because this is a list of the best dad jokes.
I think it’s important to embarrass your kids. Or, to be more specific, I think it’s important to do things traditionally viewed as embarrassing until your kids are basically immune to the effects. After years and years of being exposed to eye-roll inducing humor, with a complete disregard for what anybody else thinks, kids will have nothing greater left to fear. They’ll gradually build up a strong immunity to judgement and embarrassment, and actually feel empowered to be themselves.
On the flip side, imagine all of the neuroses you’re going to give to your kids if you model an obsession with being seen as cool. If you’re too cool to show your appreciation for a silly pun, how can your kids ever expect to survive the peer-pressures of high school? If you look at it that way, it’s like you can’t afford NOT to bombard your kids with embarrassing dad jokes. Think of the children!
But fear not! It’s not too late! Just hit them with pun after pun. Every audible groan they give you builds up a little more immunity to the fear of being yourself. Your unabashed love for a play on words will soon rub off. In no time at all they’ll develop an invisible shroud of self-confidence. “Sorry, bullies.” they’ll say. “My father long ago squelched my ability to care.” But, you know, in a good way.
I hope you enjoy this collection of our favorite dad jokes. This is powerful embarrassment exposure therapy we’re providing you with. But I’m sure you’ll kids will thank us for this one day.
I can’t even take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him! But I guess that’s what I get for having a pure-bread dog.
I don’t trust stairs anymore. They’re always up to something.
I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.
Did you know even protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Did you get a haircut recently? No, I had them all cut.
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it’s two-tired.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it’s too cheesy.
Have you heard the new joke about a piece of paper? Never mind it’s tearable.
Remember, kids, no matter how kind you are - German children are Kinder.
How many apples typically grow on a tree? All of them.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world. But I’m not buying it.
How can you spot a dogwood tree? From the bark.
Today my son asked me, “Can I have a book mark?” 6 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Ryan.
Kid: “Dad, will you make me a sandwich?” Dad: “Poof! You’re a sandwich!”
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Unfortunately I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
How does NASA put together a party? They planet.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate dinner before it was cool.
Why do teenagers prefer odd numbers? Because they can’t even.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system before? They looked us up and we only have 1 star.
You know something that still gives me butterflies, no matter how many times I do it? Buying caterpillars.
Did you hear about the guy who cut off the entire left side of his body? Don’t worry, he’s all right now.
I went camping last weekend. It was intense.
When does a normal joke actually become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
And finally, a touching moment between a father and son, who recently became a father himself:
A proud new dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink. His father says, "Son, now that you have a child of your own, I think it's time you had this." And with that, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."