Why You Need to Apologize to Your Kids
I want my kids to care about other people. I think most parents would probably say the same thing. Thatโs why thereโs a very good chance youโve said this line to your own kids at one time or another: โYou need to apologize right this instant!โ Apologizing, after all, is important in our relationships. But did you know that not everybody believes forced apologies are good for kids? And if forced apologies arenโt effective, how are we supposed to pass on the empathy we want to teach?
Picture book author Trudy Ludwig, creator of The Invisible Boy and Sorry! (and a real champion in the world of empathy), recently wrote that forced apologies are one of her 5 biggest parenting mistakes. She shared a story about forcing her son to apologize to his sister after saying something hurtful. All three of them knew that the sorry that came out of his mouth rang insincere. Ludwig goes on to point out that showing sincere regret and following through to make amends is far more important. In other words, saying sorry means absolutely nothing if you donโt take a moment to feel empathy and understand the feelings of those you hurt.
This story made me stop and reflect on the forced apologies Iโve seen at home and in the classroom. Not only do they rob the apologizer of an opportunity to feel true empathy, but they definitely rob the victim of the right to have their hurt feelings acknowledged. Hereโs the problem: If a child only gives or receives insincere apologies in their life, theyโre likely going to learn that feelings donโt really matter.
So how can we actually teach our kids to respond the right way when they hurt someoneโs feelings? We have to apologize to our kids. We have to be the role models they need. We have to step up every time we make a mistake, and show them how a real apology should look. If we want them to be intrinsically motivated to give real apologies, nothing will prepare them more than receiving real apologies.
To see how this should look, letโs look to the experts. According to Dr. Christine Carter and Dr. Aaron Lazare, there are specific things an apology needs to accomplish, and there are necessary parts of an effective apology. For me, chief among the requirements they describe is taking full responsibility for the offense and expressing remorse, and then following that up with making the situation right again. This could be something as simple as a hug, or explaining how we will handle the situation differently in the future.
Overcoming pride is an absolutely essential part of being a dad and a good role model.
So letโs imagine that you just hurt your childโs feelings. Letโs pretend they broke something and you yelled about it. A very effective apology could be looking them in the eyes and clearly stating that raising your voice was the wrong thing to do. You can take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge that it hurt their feelings. You can explain that you were feeling frustrated, but you shouldnโt have raised your voice. You could give them a big hug and tell them youโll do your best not to do it in the future.
Apologizing might sound like an easy thing to do, but letโs be honest, it can be very hard. If you ever find yourself in an argument with a 5-year-old, itโs probably not your first instinct to think that youโre the one thatโs wrong. And to be perfectly honest, admitting that I am wrong doesnโt exactly come naturally for me by a long shot. But Iโve decided that overcoming pride is an absolutely essential part of being a dad and a good role model.
If I make a mistake, it might take me a few minutes, or sometimes even days, but I will very sincerely apologize to my son about it. Maybe it comes two days later in the shower, and it might catch him off guard. But it melts my heart when he gets the biggest smile on his face and gives me a hug.
If we make mistakes and hurt our childrenโs feelings, I truly believe there is nothing more detrimental than ignoring it. Never let pride get in the way of their well-being. Everybody makes mistakes and the most important thing in the world at that moment is to admit it, and reaffirm how much you love them.
This is how we can teach our kids empathy, not by forcing them to say sorry to their sister. If we canโt be the role models of empathy that our children need, then weโre simply destined to hear insincere apologies come out of their mouths for the rest of their lives. And youโll definitely get a lot of this classic: โBut I didnโt mean to!โ
But if we intentionally show them what it looks like and feels like when someone truly feels remorse, then theyโll grow up understanding the impact their actions can have on others, both positive and negative. And when they remember how they felt after you gave them a hug and reminded them how much you love them, theyโll remember why itโs always important to make it right.
How do you handle apologies in your home? Do you think forced apologies still have any merit at all? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
